Thursday, June 13, 2013

De-evolution of Intelligent Thought Continues

WASHINGTON -- In a move of bold and noble bravery, the President and Congress have joined forces to pass legislation which would subvert the exercise of the 3rd amendment, which prohibits quartering, also known as occupation of private homes by armed men with fancy shoe buckles and powdered wigs.  In a press conference concerning the subject the President had this to say:

"While the 3rd amendment may seem obscure and anachronistic in the eyes of many, I believe it is necessary that we as a nation nullify and ignore the entirety of the Bill of Rights equally; it's only fair.  I am proud of the American people for standing beside the great strides gained by allowing the 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th and 6th etc. amendments to be completely ignored via the unconstitutional enforcement of such classic hits as the Patriot Act and the NDAA and the Hahaha We're Fucking Oppressing You Stupid Assholes Act of 2013.  The American people should hold their heads high for accomplishing so much in such a brief period of time.

But in the spirit of the Founders who never gave up and held firmly to their beliefs, we must not act in half measures.  In the immortal sage words of Ash Ketchum, we as a nation 'gotta catch 'em all.'  Through solidarity, teamwork and determination I know we can overcome the provision of any legal rights to anyone.  And don't worry because you won't have to do it alone. Washington has your back, which is why we have replaced social security benefits with free, gay little bunkbeds that the English are guaranteed to adore.

I have been in contact with Queen Elizabeth to guarantee there will be an ample supply of British people with funny voices and stupid clothes and red coats and big fucking furry hats to arrive at your home as soon as possible.  We must never forget this historic day."

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